I Want to LIVE, Even if It’s Scary

Part 1: This is where it gets real. 

If you’ve been following the No Filter Newsletter this summer, you know I’ve been struggling with an onslaught of anxiety. 

And if I’m honest, most of my anxiety has culminated in thinking about THIS coming week. 

As I write this, I’m perched at an airport restaurant table at the start of a 12-hour layover before boarding an overnight flight to Togo in West Africa. 

This is the trip of a lifetime, as I’m joining my sister and brother-in-law and getting to see their incredible business + non-profit up close. I can’t wait to meet the missionaries, seamstresses, and families furthering the kingdom in wild ways in Togo. 

But as the week has approached, my new friend, anxiety, has been SCREAMING AT ME - irrational thoughts + fears pummeling me day and night. 

Part 2: Going scared. 

A few weeks ago, my friend Anna and I talked about how naturally intense it has become to return to some everyday things post-pandemic. We were saying after two years of sticking closer to home, constantly considering risk, and living with healthy (or sometimes, in my case, unhealthy) caution - of COURSE, it feels scary to be exposed to the world.

Something about that conversation helped me remember that the only way through something scary, the only way to grow less scared, is to go scared. 

And at the end of the day, going scared is incredibly worth it to me because I want to LIVE. I want to see other cultures and see God in them. I want to learn and have my eyes opened to more than just what’s naturally in front of me. I want my kids to see a hunger for the rest of the world. I want to show my kids the rest of the world! 

I want to love people even though it might hurt. I want to try even though I might fail. I want to try. I want to trust God. I want to live! So I’m going to have to go scared. 

Part 3: Advice from my bestie. 

Last night I was cuddling with my daughter, Glory, before I left, and she asked me, “Are you excited?”. I gave my standard line, “I will be excited! Once we get to the airport or get through the first few flights - I bet I’ll be excited then.”

And with so much compassion and wisdom beyond her years, she said, “You always say that. I wish you could get excited right now - think of all this time you’re missing out on potentially being excited!”. And I was reminded that the difference between anxiety and excitement can be a fine line. 

So I’m letting it all hit. All the feelings. And I’m asking God to help my soul and body receive this exposure to living as excitement and anticipation, to process it as anticipation and love. 

And I tell you, what… I know there is so much abundance, healing, and life on the other side of this trip. If riding the wave of anxiety and shooting down every scary thought with truth is the price I pay, in Jesus’ name - it couldn’t be more worth it. 

I want to live. 

Jess

PS: This email reminds me a lot of this blog post I wrote years + years ago. That past healing only further proves to me that more redemption will come.

Some other scenes from living risky life this week: 

Another trip of a lifetime - joining a Breaking Free from Body Shame Bible Study in New Orleans, Eating Beignets + Diet Coke, Crying on a run when the anxiety hit, Me right now at the airport!